Quandry

At what point does a person differentiate between following their guts and feelings and doing what is best for themselves, and just letting go and realizing that EVERYONE is going to fuck them and there is nothing to be done about it?

I'm tired of trying to trust people. 

It's exhausting. 

The Importance of Being Friendship

One of the things I miss about my ex-best friend is being able to text her all of the hateful things that run through my head, instead of sending them to the real recipient.  Things like

Dear____________,
Funny how you had plenty of time for friendly hang outs until I stopped having money to feed you.

or

Dear____________,
I'm super happy that you had the foresight to get all of your stuff out of my house before I even knew you weren't coming over anymore.  But not before I got it all washed.

or

Dear____________,
Thanks for asking how surgery went.  You're a good friend.


I don't have that anymore and I do believe she was the only person who understood that part of me.  The truly hateful part that no one needs to see.  So, these paranoid, mostly (probably) unfounded thoughts just rattle around in my brain getting bigger and bigger.  She would have texted back something calming and sane and I would have moved on from them.

These are the choices I have made and I don't regret them.  But tonight, these thoughts are blaring behind my eyes, making it hard to see anything else.  I feel foolish and sad and it's probably the vicodin or something in my stitches making my girl brain go CRAZY and it still doesn't matter but here it is.  I miss texts.  And that's all.

Jinx Myself Much?

Remember yesterday how I said there was a small chance that the Essure wouldn't work?  GUESS WHAT HAPPENED!! 

I had to get the traditional tubal ligation, which sucked.  Still sucks. 

But, it's done!  I'm gonna be sore for a few days but whatevs.  Totally worth it.  My mommy bought me ice cream and cherries.  :)

Now, back to the vicodin.

The State of the Roads

Tomorrow is my "surgery."  That makes it sound so much more serious than it really is.  It's an outpatient procedure to make me a non-baby maker.  Which is the best thing ever, really.  Spending $70 a month on birth control for the next 20 or so years makes me want to die almost as much as the idea of growing a human being inside of me. 

Seriously.  There is another HUMAN BEING growing inside of you.  Leeching off your nutrients and forming from nothing.  It makes its eyeballs and fingernails and kidneys while it is inside your body.

VOMIT. 

So, that's tomorrow morning.  I'm more nervous now that my doctor told me sometimes it doesn't work.  The body can expel the coils or sometimes they can't place them.  If that happens they're going to do an actual tubal ligation and just tie me off.  Not excited at that thought, but it's better than nothing I suppose.

I just deleted a big long rant about a boy.  Being upset does no good and pretending my feelings or opinions count for shit is ridiculous, so why bother?  I have friends that love me and want me around even when stress happens, and that is all that matters.  <3

In the wise words of Jane Austen, if you don't have anything nice to say, keep your conversation to the weather or the roads.  Or your reproductive choices. 

Wish me luck, my 8 readers.  I'm excited and terrified.  :)