One of the things I miss about my ex-best friend is being able to text her all of the hateful things that run through my head, instead of sending them to the real recipient. Things like
Dear____________,
Funny how you had plenty of time for friendly hang outs until I stopped having money to feed you.
or
Dear____________,
I'm super happy that you had the foresight to get all of your stuff out of my house before I even knew you weren't coming over anymore. But not before I got it all washed.
or
Dear____________,
Thanks for asking how surgery went. You're a good friend.
I don't have that anymore and I do believe she was the only person who understood that part of me. The truly hateful part that no one needs to see. So, these paranoid, mostly (probably) unfounded thoughts just rattle around in my brain getting bigger and bigger. She would have texted back something calming and sane and I would have moved on from them.
These are the choices I have made and I don't regret them. But tonight, these thoughts are blaring behind my eyes, making it hard to see anything else. I feel foolish and sad and it's probably the vicodin or something in my stitches making my girl brain go CRAZY and it still doesn't matter but here it is. I miss texts. And that's all.
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