Working

My new goal for meself is to say exactly what I want to say when I want to say it, regardless of the consequences.  I think too much, and I definitely worry that the people I love will go away if I say something they don't like.  Crazy, right?  Right. 

So far, it has not gone as well as I had hoped.  I tried it with the first person to tell me, months ago, that I NEED to say what's on my mind.  And of course, this person did not really mean it and went away when I tried before.  So, I really had nothing to lose in this relationship.  It...kinda felt good.  I may have been a wee tad beyotchy but I didn't say anything mean or untrue.  Just stated something in a way that I would not normally. 

We'll see how it goes.  It's a process.  Hopefully people mean it when they say they want me to be honest and say how I feel.  If not, I guess I'll end up a lonely gal. 

Tomooooorrow, tomoooooroooow

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ready to get out of town this weekend.  Oklahoma promises sunshine, Suzy Q, karaoke, and freedom from thought.  BFF and I are going to sing together!  As long as I don't puss out.  And we get some practice time in the car.

This day makes me ridiculously excited for spring and summer.  February is more than half over.  Soon, I can plant bushes and flowers and hostas.  I can take the wonky cabinet outside to paint.  I can take Luna out for walks and perhaps shed some of this fabulous ass.  And of course ladder golf, porch time, sprinklers, sweat, sing-a-longs, YURT, craft nights outside, campfires, concerts, and all of the amazing things we do when the weather is amenable.   

I'm ready to think about something other than this thing I think about all the time.  I wish it was as easy as making up my mind.  I know for some people that's how it goes.  I sincerely wish I was one of those people.  Until that happens, I will look forward to the rest of this gorgeous year, whatever it may hold.                                                         

Meh

I've never really cared one way or the other about Valentine's Day.  But, I've never had to spend one alone, either.  Even without "taken" relationship status, I've been lucky enough to get to share it with friends.  Maybe I'd be more cynical if it had ever been an issue. 

Completely unrelated: More bad poetry.  This one recent.  God save my vomit reflex.

Prints

I need these concrete things
To make you real to me
Your smile can only last so long
In my memory

I'm training myself to forget
Letting go day by day
But I just want to look at you
And wish it was some other way

Sunday Self-Reflection

Although I have been filling my time quite nicely, I have found myself with about a million hours to just sit and think.  I was told for roughly six months that "it's not all about me" and now, it gets to be.  I have discovered a LOT about myself, for better and worse.

In the 12th grade, the boy I was dating hated one of my very close friends.  He said terrible, catty things and I did not stand up for her.  And when she inevitably found out, I did not stand up for him.  I just sat there and let the friendship die.

Over and over this pattern has repeated itself.  As I become closer to people, I become terrified that they will leave.  If I express an opinion they will realize that I am awful and they can do better.  Casual acquaintances?  No biggie.  Them leaving would have little impact on my life.  As soon as I begin to depend on someone, I shut down.  Become almost paralyzed.  I sit back and let them shine; let them be the important one.  I start to assume that if I get upset, or angry or even give a dissenting opinion, they will leave.  It's not a conscious decision.  I work against it all the time, but it seems to get worse over time.  The more people that leave, the more it reinforces this strange little cycle happening in my subconscious.  But all I'm doing by not speaking up is preventing a deeper bond from forming.  Making ties that would make it worth their staying.

Now we are where we are.  I am almost 32 years old and no closer to being the person I want to be than when I was 17.  I recognize these things about myself that I would like to change, but I have NO idea how to do it.  Take a public speaking class?  Become the next Emily Dickinson and never leave my bedroom?  Keep upping my meds until I just don't care?  Turn to black tar heroin so it's all irrelevant?

I've had all of these revelations over the last month.  I understand all of these things that have been lurking for years, sabotaging every relationship in my life, romantic or otherwise.  I've always looked very hard at what went wrong, and I seemed to convince myself there was a tragic flaw in the other person.  When all along, it was me.  The tragic flaw is...me.

So this is all well and good.  Good for me for realizing I am imperfect.  I now know what I need to change, but really, I've known it all along.  Admitting and owning it does nothing to alter it.  I've been thinking about therapy to try and come up with a plan.  Unfortunately, that's just not in the budget right now.  I'm exploring my "creative" side, which is super fun, but it does not help me become a better communicator.  Meh.  I think I'll stick with my self-indulgent writing and perhaps putting it out into the atmosphere will eventually bring clarity.  Until that happens, I bring you...bad poetry.

I just went through my high school poetry notebook.  I go through phases with how I feel about what I wrote (and currently write.)  Right now, this is the only one that seems worth sharing.

Try Harder
11-11-94

What to do
What to do
What the hell
To fucking do
Sit and wait
Sit and wait
Left by love
Engulfed by hate
Keeping down the
Rage and fear
Trying hard to
Sheath the spear
To look and see
The pain you feel
To know that my pain,
Too, is real,
Does not make it any less
It makes me hide
From your caress
Little does the
Young boy know
When we die
Where we shall go
Away from here
Away from here
Trying hard to
Disappear

Marvin

28 Days Later

Things I know about me: 

I can be VERY hard to talk to when I'm upset.  My natural reaction is to shut down.  This is not because I don't want to talk, or I want to be a dickbag.  I don't really know why I do it.  It's not a choice I make, just a gut reaction to past experiences.  I struggle with it every day, and I work on overcoming it every day.  And I consider myself lucky that the people who have to deal with it have stuck by me as long as they have.  

I am an optimistic pessimist.  Want the best, but count on the worst.  There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a long way off, and very, very dim.

I find it very hard to smile right now.

This doesn't make much sense, and as my first "blog" it's pretty craptastic.  Today is 28 days.  And I'm waiting for the "fake it til you make it" to actually start working.  So far, I just feel like a big fat fake.  

My dream last night was rough.  AB came to help my mother move and couldn't understand why I didn't want him there.  Even though he wouldn't talk to me.  So I tried to avoid him as he ate cake with my mom, but he started following me.  Still not talking.  His hair was really short and he didn't smile.  I miss the smile.