28 Days Later

Things I know about me: 

I can be VERY hard to talk to when I'm upset.  My natural reaction is to shut down.  This is not because I don't want to talk, or I want to be a dickbag.  I don't really know why I do it.  It's not a choice I make, just a gut reaction to past experiences.  I struggle with it every day, and I work on overcoming it every day.  And I consider myself lucky that the people who have to deal with it have stuck by me as long as they have.  

I am an optimistic pessimist.  Want the best, but count on the worst.  There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a long way off, and very, very dim.

I find it very hard to smile right now.

This doesn't make much sense, and as my first "blog" it's pretty craptastic.  Today is 28 days.  And I'm waiting for the "fake it til you make it" to actually start working.  So far, I just feel like a big fat fake.  

My dream last night was rough.  AB came to help my mother move and couldn't understand why I didn't want him there.  Even though he wouldn't talk to me.  So I tried to avoid him as he ate cake with my mom, but he started following me.  Still not talking.  His hair was really short and he didn't smile.  I miss the smile.