Resolve, Take 2

Friday I got home from work and wrote a quick little update about my new year's resolution.  I went out and completely obliterated my weight watchers points and basically sour pussed around Westport because waaaaah, my life isn't exactly how I thought it would be.

Saturday as I was leaving for my evening plans, I had a panic attack and spent the rest of New Year's Eve avoiding a very good friend who was trying to help me.

Sunday I hid in my bedroom all day.

2011 started with depression and insecurity and it turned into the worst year of my life.  I lost my best friend, the person I thought I was going to grow old and die with.  I lost a boyfriend who, for all his faults, made me feel more secure and loved than anyone before or since.  I gained a solid 20 lbs onto my already overweight ass.  I struggled with depression more than I have in my life.

So, 2012.  We've got some work to do.  My initial resolution was "only date boys that are nice to me."  But I think that completely misses the point.  I don't LIKE boys that are nice to me, because I don't like myself.  (Also, they are usually vanilla lamers, but that's beside the point.)  And it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, because my thoughts overrule. 

I'm gonna work on me.  I don't really know what form that will take, other than losing weight.  But I hated myself when I weighed 130 lbs.  I don't really think getting back there will solve any of my problems.  Plus, I would look like an ass on a stick.  I think things like being a better friend, caring more about my house being clean, and finding someone quality to bang will come with a better attitude and perhaps a little more self love. 

But I might settle for ass on a stick.  It wouldn't kill me to feel hot for hotness's sake.